I have frequent moments in my life where I suffer from insane toothache. Of course it's because I have a dislike of dentists and I take pain killers. Now. I take pain killers when I'm feeling down. Low. Depressed. Cynical. Paranoid. Overthinking. And when I'm like this I find myself thinking, i wish I had toothache because then when I take these pain killers. Idactually feel the relief. It's the relief I crave. Is that what ahigh fes like? I wouldn't know as the only drugs I've ever done are caffeine, cigarettes., prescription painkillers and some pot/weed/skunk. But out of everything in my life, every single fucking thing. I chase relief. Thatmoment where I'm calm. I can be thinking"why aren't I worrying/thinkingluje I know I normally would" but the relief I get sometimes from the painkillers is that. My brain, my mind (?) doesn't have the need to be thinking. Worrying. And. I crave that more than anything in this world.

Anything.

I, Leanne M**** T******, will not be wasting much brain power aka worry aka stress on people who decide they are too busy for me. Whether it be friend or foe or lover or family. It's not connected to my love or dislike of whoever it may be, but connected to how it makes me feel after the fact. I can't do it. My mentality is strong, just not strong enough yet. People think I'm as tough as old boots and unbreakable. But I'm not, I'm a lot more fragile than what people know or expect. A lot. I have my family. I am forever grateful of that. Xxx

Really and truelly have no idea as to where to start. Not that I have lots to say, or anything that others may consider interesting, just. My heads all a mish mash of rubble. Just had a thought why typing this and, perhaps jodie and I bring this out of each other. We know the other has problems. Fear of upsetting her routine. Her life down there in that lovely village/town of hers. I don't want to do that, be responsible for that but. If her logic/head works anything like mine. Obviously I'll be some what responsible. It is hard when u have ure life. Ure partner. Ure lover with you. But then after a short while, poof - gone. It's as though I need a different "game face" on dependant on that. Which sounds kinda bloody stupid!
We exchanged our commitment rings yesterday. Well Thursday, seeing as it's technically saturday now. Iasked if she was sure she was the one who gave me mine first. She placed hers on her wedding finger. From choice. She checked withme to see if it would be ok, I just said iwanted herto place it where she was happy and comfortable. So. She choose her wedding finger. I know that we have a lot if things to deal with, which will be harder because of the way she seems to deal with things. I'm teaching myself to stop so much paranoia with her. She isn't the same as everyone else. She's actually more like myself than anyone I've ever met and for the first time, I'm understanding how Helen must of felt with me. She must if been a stronger person than I give her credit for. She still did a lot of wrong things, but. So did I. Completely different but there nontheless. I can't believe the time and I'm just going on and on and on. One if my big worries with jo ATM is. Sex. Perhaps worry is the wrong word. I know she's a very sexual person but. I dunno. Things just arent as expected. not bad, just. I was under the impression cos sex was so important to her it would of been a very common occurance. And it's the opposite. Well not quite. God I wish I could explain! Lol. I guess I just think she's prefers her fantasies she makes up in her head. Or something to that effect. Lol. It'll cone up in convo if it ever presses itself to be a prob. Ifshes self destructing as her facebook status says she us. Then. I know when I'm in that place. I'm just not in the mood to get laid. Fuck knows. But I'm done over analysing. Icant and won't do it. I love her I talk to her. I want her. I can't do everything -not that I do. But I am not going to protect her with words. She wouldn't want that. And Im not doing it it's bullshit. I'm here. But I can't force get to take advantage of that. I just need to believe that she loves and wants me when my paranoid and pessimistic depressed head takes over. I don't want to go crazy insane again. Really fuckin don't xxx

So. I'm back to not wanting to sleep again fucking great. In the past week I've feel like I've gone tenstepsback in my "recovery" and I feel like a mess. Totally and utterly. I'm unsure as to why but I think it may be something to do with my relationship with jodie. I havent been on my meds for a week and I will be getting my prescription on Monday. I'd love to say that that's the reason, but I know it isn't. Jodie has beenvery up and down recently in regards to us. One minute she's all love love love and the next she's well. Nothing. I told her yesterday and still nothing. That may be normal for her but it isn't for me. Bah I don't know what's going on but I know it's definately more difficult than what it should be. Im going down on Thursday and so I'll be approaching the subject then. Until then ill have to suffer, but no longer in silence. I need to talk to mum. I definately need that. Tbpfh. I miss Helen still. I fear I always will. But by God I'm trying.

I've lost my routine of late. I'm sleeping all day, awake all night. Eating shit again. Missing class. Getting angry and stressed. No more! Because I'm stronger than that and I've worked too damn hard to lose what I've acheived because of some woman. A woman who I love and want and need. But a woman nontheless.
And so now instead of sleeping - which is what I really need. I'm gonna read in hopeof occupying my mind.